There are still few signs of summer here in the country. A thunderstorm last Thursday was the only real “taste” we have received thus far. The garden is doing as well as it can, with the potatoes leading the way. The other night, I could have sworn I saw a firefly, though it may well have been a trick of the eye or a brief glimpse into another dimension. It’s hard to tell nowadays.
The UFO is Good Now
One of the country’s charms is our propensity to see UFOs on a fairly regular basis. Open skies, a lack of light pollution, and an interest in what lies beyond allows us to see what those in the city miss. We do not need the approval of outsiders when we see a flying saucer, so when President Trump revealed he does “not particularly” believe in UFOs, his comments went largely unnoticed.
Trump’s apparent disinterest in the subject is the best thing that could have happened for strange things seen in the sky. Like so many other things, UFOs have entered the sacred realm of things dismissed by Donald Trump. Like journalists, the FBI, the CIA, various D-list celebrities, and John McCain, UFOs are now universally beloved because Trump doesn’t like them. The little green men can land now. For once, we come in peace.
A New Threat
One of the risks of living in the country is that your town will be purchased by a rapper looking to make a political point of some kind. Just look at what happened to Hell, Michigan:
Hell, as I understand it, is where all the LGBTQists will go, should one subscribe to a particular interpretation of the Bible. Perhaps it is not the fire and brimstone they will face, but this man, whose “songs” include “Phucked Ur Dad” and “Iced Out Dick.” Imagine spending all eternity in the midst of a performance artist, never knowing what small comforts you cling to will be overthrown in the name of attention. Hopefully the Bible is wrong and our LGBTQ friends will rest in peace.
Now that Hell has fallen, places like Condom, France and Fucking, Austria should beware, they might be the next victim.
Out of Time
Summer Island, Norway has expressed their desire to do away with time. The small community of 300 is located 200 miles north of the Arctic Circle, where the sun doesn't set from May 18 to July 26. The islanders have handed over a petition to their local MP asking the government to formalize their longstanding tradition of living outside of time. As one islander says, “In the middle of the night, which city folk might call '2 a.m.,' you can spot children playing soccer, people painting their houses or mowing their lawns, and teens going for a swim.”
The article I’m citing suggests this may all be a publicity stunt to draw in tourists. It may well be, but is this the sort of thing that attracts tourists? Most tourists move in packs, operating on ridgid schedules. A timeless land would ruin them.
But if there’s one thing tourists love, it is the unusual. What good is a place like London, England with that giant monolith to time they call “Big Ben”? Why not visit a place that’s lopped off the hands of time?
The trouble with tourism is that it makes the unusual banal. Right now, Summer Island is a timeless wonder on the fringes of civilization, but once enough people visit, time will seep back in. The tourists will bring time with them, in their smartphones, their watches, and in their anxieties. If you plan to live in a world without time, the best thing to do is not tell anyone.
A Cruel Blow
Last week, I urged Doug Ford to boycott all parades. In the wake of the Toronto Raptors winning the NBA Championship, I was elated to see Ford say the following:
My heart be still! We have an anti-parade premier. But life has a cruel way of leading you on before the scythe of fate comes swinging down to humble you. As I scrolled through Twitter, I threw myself to the floor and wept when I saw this:
Was it a prank? A deepfake? No, it seems Ford has stabbed us all on the back, electing to annoy attendees of York Region’s Pride Parade. He didn’t even have the decency to warn people he was coming.
To make matters worse, I saw this yesterday:
Thankfully, the crowd was filled with Country Topics readers who booed this great betrayal.
Addendum
Apologies for the shorter newsletter this week. The last couple days have proven to be quite busy. Everything should be back to normal next week.
To atone for my sins, here’s a photo of a fox in a flowerpot: